Woke up
Dogs in lap
Short drive to work
Job I absolutely love
Bills paid
Food to eat
Chai tea latte
Man to love who loves back fiercely
Community of believing friends
Justified before God through Christ

I am so blessed. 

Writing out today’s blessings makes the sorrow a little less severe. Today I was putting away new client files at work – the very same pregnancy clinic that I came to just a few months ago pregnant for the first time, scared and excited – worried yet hopeful.
Then there it was: the file containing the only earthly documents that my body ever carried life. A thin manila folder with my name typed vertically on the edge of a blue label. I sat on the stool in front of the revolving filing cabinet reading every detail of my file – all the nurse’s notes. The wonderful, kind nurse who saw my ultrasound as inconclusive but tried to explain it away. Too early. Not the right angle. Just come back in a few weeks. I didn’t have to – I knew. Somehow I already knew.
I poured over my file, all the time knowing I should stop.. but I just couldn’t. It felt like I was on a treasure hunt that somehow ended with my baby but instead I was forced to settle for my estimated due date: March 1, 2016. The most perfect date for a baby. If I could hand pick a date that would be it. Spring. New life.
Empty womb and heavy heart, I counted backwards and realized that today I would have been halfway to meeting the child we prematurely named Andi: a name given before heartbeat heard and face seen.
Happiness is far away today – today I just wanted to be halfway to you. Each second that slips quietly by feels like a moment further from your short earthly reality, but I know that it’s also a moment closer to an eternal forever. Instead of waiting 20 more weeks to meet you, I’ll have wait a lifetime. But I’m sure of what I hope for, and I am certain of what I can’t see. I’m blessed when I look at the past, and I have hope when I look to the future, so today I’m working on counting it all joy.

I miss what could have been.

Thank God for what will be.


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